As part of my new plan to be more active with the blogging, I’m starting this post as sort of a diary/post a day/something something. I’ll be adding in each day’s post as a comment on this initial post. The purpose of this is to sortof catalogue the kinds of changes that take place in the course of a year. Its not going to be my personal bitching platform, if its a topic worthy of its own post, it’ll go elsewhere. Think of it more as a “One thing per day I’m thankful for” sortof thing.
Being the first post, I’ll start it off with saying that the feeling of drowning prior to Christmas, that gnawing feeling of dread that greeted each day as I awoke, seems to be dissipating. Odd, since its happened so much sooner than I expected it to. Maybe I’m in a less-depressed phase and will sink again in a week or three, I don’t know. All I know is that right now is going much better. The same lather/rinse/repeat problems are going on, but they don’t seem to be bothering me nearly as bad as they were. The integral part of this is, honestly, the love of a good man. Reconnecting and really spending time together, even if all we’re doing is playing WoW together really helps to keep my spirits up… makes the dark that threatens to swallow me sometimes not feel so lonely. There have been many times when it has felt as though no one else could even see anything wrong with me. I don’t talk about it, I don’t like people knowing anything is wrong because I don’t want pity, and I don’t want to be “the drama queen with the depression issues”. But I’ve spent so long NOT addressing it when it happens, not sharing, and then I end up worse off than I was. How many times has he really seen it? And how many times has he sat there feeling helpless to do anything about it, make it better, make it go away? But not once has he thrown it in my face when I’ve had a bad phase, not once has he turned his back on me or went elsewhere when I didn’t want anyone touching me, let alone hugging or otherwise. No, he’s stood beside me throughout everything, no matter what. Sometimes I don’t feel like I deserve someone that good to me. We don’t have alot of money left over to do things with, we don’t have a fancy car, house, or clothes.. but what we do have is more real, and cannot be bought with money. Its like a sword, folded a few thousand times and tempered to withstand the bloodiest battles. And for that? I am thankful. I could not get through each and every day without my husband.
